Pim the Demon, Or, The Religious Exercise

Pim the Demon must work all day at the Heaps, the furnace area where all the souls are burnt to ashes and then dumped into the fiery mountains of Us. His work is long and laborious. He has little time to rest; in fact he hasn’t recalled his last day off. Pim is a fed up Demon. He begins not to burn as many souls at the Heaps as he used to. The embers from the Heaps no longer burn as bright. In Hell, light only shines upon misery. Because the light of the Heaps dies down, the light in Hell no longer shines upon all misery. Now the Demons become happy. All Hell rejoices in the darkness. There is celebration after celebration and now Pim the Demon is very famous. All Demons rejoice the Demon who no longer burns the souls. Because Hell becomes such a wonderful place, God becomes angry. He does not want anyone to enjoy Hell. He wants Hell to be miserable. How does he make the Demons miserable? He brings the light back once again. Marvel the Angel is sent down by God to work with Pim. Marvel and Pim do not get along much because they are fighting against each other. Pim the Demon wants to stop burning the souls so that all the other Demons stay happy. Marvel the Angel wants to burn more of the souls so that the light of misery always shines upon Hell. Eventually Marvel begins to burn more of the souls than Pim can save. The light from the burnt souls begins to reveal more and more of Hell. The mountains of Us simmer in bloody red from burnt ash. Soon all the Demons become blinded by the Heaps. Marvel burns so many souls that the Demons can no longer see. Because they are blinded, the Demons can no longer see Hell. With Hell removed from their minds, all the Demons begin to rejoice in the darkness once again. There is celebration in Hell. Because Hell becomes such a wonderful place, God becomes even angrier because the Demons are still happy. Marvel has made too much light from all the souls. The light of the Heaps is too much. Marvel must now leave and return to Heaven because he has done his job better than Pim the Demon could ever do. The light of the Heaps dies down again. All the Demons feel the light die and they once again open their eyes. Pim the Demon must work again all day at the Heaps, the furnace area where the burnt souls will always determine how bright We are.

Obama’s “BarackBerry” is GOP’s only hope

 

    I was totally psyched to see that the NSA had developed a "spy-proof" phone for Obama—basically a free ticket to TXT and forward obscene joke-mails to his friends without the anxiety of being caught. This is doing two things for me in terms of understanding the new leader of the free world;

1. Barack is no different than the rest of us. His legs are up on the Oval Office scattering the dust of victory left behind by George W. Bush and getting quality lulz throughout the day just like the rest of us. Here's what is basically going on;
   

   Oval Office. 9:13am.
   

   ButchedByBill: Dude did u get that pic yo?
   

   TheFirstBrotha: Hillary that shit was sick. What did u eat?
   

   ButchedByBill:
   Like fifteen Coney's. Is it ratemypoop.com worthy?
   

   TheFirstBrotha: Totally. 9.8.
   

   ButchedByBill: Wat u doin now?
   

   TheFirstBrotha: Got a new pair of shutter glasses like Kanye. Lookin outside.
   

2. Foreign relations will be completely redefined. You want to talk about instantaneous sentiment towards international disasters or compliments to leaders of foreign nations? No more phone calls—Barack is going to straight TXT that shit now.
   

   Oval Office. 9:15am.
   

   TheFirstBrotha: Srry bout the floods. How many u lose? L
   

   JintaoJintao: Like 10,000z. Suxors.
   

   TheFirstBrotha: Whoa. U GOTZ PWNED!
   

   JintaoJintao: Thx a lot 9-11 face.
   

   TheFirstBrotha:
   L
   

    And that's how its gonna get done. Need food stamps? No worries, just TXT SrslyHngry to the Secretary of Agriculture. Word on the street is you can even opt for a stimulus package of 1,000 TXT's instead of cash back on your tax return. In terms of lulz that is totally priceless. Now that is the kind of change I can believe in.

    My only question is if Obama has a super spy-proof BarackBerry and he's the only one with one, won't hackers just get into other foreign leader's phones, like Sarkozy for example? It makes more sense anyway—you know he's got pics of Carla Bruni. And she is nuclear hot now.