Burritos to Burrito Bowls—I blame White People

WARNING: If you are remotely offended by blatant stereotyping, racial slurs, and other unbridled forms of bigotry, definitely read this.

The food I order at Chipotle is completely determined by who happens to be working behind the counters. On a good day I’ll walk in and see two Mexicans jostling to and fro and moving overweight businesspeople out the door like a 4H cattle auction. I sigh contentedly. I can order whatever I want and my food will be completely perfect. If I want a double meat burrito with every single fixin’, I’ve got a trusty amigo right there to wrap that sucker in a silver blanket of bliss and send me away without actually speaking to me. That is heaven.

What is hell, you ask? Hell is when some white dude is inserted into this assembly line of burrito making. Because the scenario is this; I walk into a Chipotle (actually the line is out of the door at this point because it’s not moving) and I see some vanilla faced punk rolling burritos and tearing tortillas like its communion at their “contemporary” church. Thanks Chipotle, you just slashed my menu choices down to ONE item; the burrito bowl. Here’s an equation: Chiptole Burrito Line + White Person = Mandatory Burrito Bowl. Think about how many times you’ve come to the burrito rolling stage during your order and the tortilla rips. Now think about how many times it was a white person. White people bat a .1000 in suck-ass at burrito wrapping. Exasperating the situation is the white franchise owner inserting himself into the mess. Fresh out of Chipotle’s New Franchise Owner Training (where they did not wrap burritos) this spectacle of complete whiteness tries to show everyone how to keep the tortilla from tearing. A middle aged white dude teaching a Mexican how to wrap a burrito? Is this a SNL skit? Here’s a free tip, Chipotle; Don’t ever try and teach a Mexican how to wrap a burrito. They will slam you like a shot of tequila.

What about black people, you ask? Black people are smart as shit. They know what they’re not good at. A black person won’t even attempt the roll. They’ll look over their shoulder and holla at someone to do it for them. Smart. Even better is their time management skills. While they watch their co-worker do their job for them, they are texting their friends making fun of your cracker-ass.

Asian people don’t work at Chipotle. There are not enough electronics.

Something has gone wrong in the high management of Chipotle for them to think that inserting a white person in a burrito making line was going to make things faster and more efficient. Chipotle, are you serious? Really?! Is it opposite day every time I come into your establishment to find a white person wrapping and a Spanish-speaking burrito all-star working the register?

Instead of forcing me to drive to the Chipotle locations I know to be white-free, how about just not letting white people work in the burrito line. Honestly, I don’t even want them putting my pinto beans on—I hate having to babysit my burrito maker.

So that I don’t short change white people, I made a list of things white people can and cannot do. If you are a white person even contemplating working at a burrito joint, please give this a look over before you go and mess up my double meat burrito again for the umpteenth time. There’s something else out there that needs you—like gardening.

Good At:

• Jogging
• Camping
• Gardening
• Pointing at things
• Cars
• Returning purchased items
• Counting
• Internet
• Cell Phones

Not Good At:

• Rolling Burritos